my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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