It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
