We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
