a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
