Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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