I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
