i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
