Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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