I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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