I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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