You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
