I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
