I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
