Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
