They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
