Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
