why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
