This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
