hell yes lets make some ravioli
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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