Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
