i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
