it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
