i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
