I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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