I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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