Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
where am i from again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I AM VODKA MAN
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
