I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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