Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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