Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
