She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
