apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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