Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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