sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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