I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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