Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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