addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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