so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
