He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Help me help you realize you are a moron
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
