you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
