hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
