i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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