good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
