my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
