they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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