I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
