you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
