you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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