Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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