I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
