I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
