Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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